The Fear Inside

Although I already have two children, the fear of what life will be like with the next one is very real. When I think about it, it seems silly. I mean, we did start this whole parenthood thing off with a bang by having twins but THEY ARE MY FIRST BORN. Nothing changes that feeling with your first born child(ren). Just like any mother of one child (I’m speculating here because quite honestly, it’s very hard for me to relate to singleton mothers), I do have fears of my own of how we will handle this situation or that situation with a new human in the house.

Many people have told us going from 2 to 3 children is not that bad because we had twins first and in the same breath we have had many others tell us going from 2 to 3 children is the hardest transition. You’re OFFICIALLY OUTNUMBERED – 3 kids and 2 adults. Oh and more recently someone with triplets told us we are having triplets the “hard way” because they (our soon-to-be 3 kids) are so close in age. GREAT!

LONG side note: The only reason I would say that last comment might be legit is because it came out of the mouth of a seasoned triplet mom (hers are 24 years old); however, most of the time, if you don’t ACTUALLY have twins, triplets and beyond, saying that or anything else you deem as helpful to another parent of multiples usually just makes you look ignorant. My favorite comment from when the boys were younger was “Oh, we sort of know what it’s like to have twins. Our kids are 18 months apart.”

NEWSFLASH and PSA: THAT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE SAME. So, if you have been saying that to parents of multiples, please stop. Most likely you’ve irritated the hell out of them and we proceeded to make fun of you at our club meetings over wine. Okay, so the last part MAY not be true but just STOP. Please.

Okay back on track now.

I honestly have no idea what life will be like adding a little one to this crazy bunch already. But I do know stretching myself that. much. more. scares the sh*t out of me. Will I be adequate enough to meet the boys needs and hers? Will the boys learn to adapt and eventually, welcome their sister? How much longer will I need to live in toddler hell over this? Mentally, I know things will work itself out. Emotionally, that’s hard for me to see and understand. The battle between the heart and the head is so tough right now.

Oddly enough, when I take a step back, I realize that I had the exact same fears (or pretty close) when I was pregnant with the twins. You just don’t really know what exactly will happen and that is scary (especially for someone with OCD tendencies, according to my therapist). However, even though I had these similar fears with the twins, these fears seem so much bigger. When the twins were in utero, it was Nick, me and Dakota. So while I was obsessively reading up on how to transition your dog to new children in the house, this time it effects these little humans we love so dearly. I don’t want to rock their world but I know this little lady will and I think, while I know it will get better, that will hurt my heart in the beginning.

Meanwhile, while we wait for the little miss to make her presence, this week has been especially tough. Since my rendezvous at the hospital on Sunday, I haven’t been feeling very good AT ALL. I feel like an 18 wheeler ran over my body, several times. It’s like having the flu-like symptoms without the fever part. It sucks. I’m literally unable to move for a good chunk of the day. Luckily, the boys are in “summer school” 3 days a week from 9-1:30 and nap when they get home. Luckily my mom can take them and bring them home. Yesterday (Tuesday), my mom picked them up at 11 and they stayed at her house until Nick and I got there for dinner. {INSERT MOM GUILT} I really haven’t seen or interacted much with the boys this week because of their schedule and my total lack of energy. That sucks! My time with only them is dwindling and I feel like POOP. {INSERT THE TERRIBLE MOM COMPARISON} I am not like all these moms I see on social media working out and looking fabulous. I get more “you look tired” read “you look like sh*t then “you look great”. Or my favorite this time around had been “Do the doctors think she’ll come early?” Really?! REALLY! Read instead “you look huge”.

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Honestly, people don’t hardly ever say the right things to pregnant women. And those people should really revisit the whole GOLDEN RULE thing. Seriously.

Back to the mom comparison, I know I shouldn’t compare but it’s just life. I truly wish I could do what some of these moms do like WORKOUT. #fitmomma or #pregnantfitness makes me want to barf these days. It’s only my jealousy and envy about my situation. (Don’t get your panties in a knot about it if it applies to you. I’m genuinely happy you can do what you do. I’m just spewing here.) I wish my body didn’t blow the hell up when I’m pregnant but that’s just not in the cards for me. I’m pregnant EVERYWHERE. It’s just how my body responds. I wish I didn’t have every (small but potentially scary) complication in the book this time. I wish I didn’t deal with pre-partum depression and anxiety but I do. I wish I wasn’t scared shitless of being a complete basket case (read: PPD) after this baby comes (again). And honestly, I wish I enjoyed pregnancy but I don’t. I wish things could be different but they aren’t. That’s not my journey.

Instead my journey seems rough but I know I’m not alone. I know women suffer like me but they suffer in silence. Maybe not about anxiety and depression but maybe so. All I can say to you, the you that understands this but scared to speak up, is to get help. Talk to your spouse or significant other. Talk to your family. And seek out a professional.

I’ve made deliberate steps during this pregnancy to take care of my mental health. It’s not perfect, not even close. Just today, I asked my doctor to be placed back on medication. I haven’t been on anything since we started fertility treatments with this pregnancy and these past weeks have shown me I needed something else. This past week alone, something shifted in me, chemically, and I can’t shake it. I’m WORN OUT. Again, my body is changing rapidly and chemically it’s effecting me. And while I’m more on the anxiety side then the depressed side of things, it’s depressing to literally not be able to move. It’s physically taxing for me to take care of my boys. It’s so terrible. I absolutely 100% hate it! But I know it’s temporary. I know the instant she is born, my body will feel such a sense of relief in some ways – it did the last time. Praise Jesus.

And while I feel all sorts of overwhelming emotions during this tail end of the pregnancy I feel secure that I have put tools in place to help me do this better this time around. Tools I didn’t make time for the first time around. And I should have. Because I needed them. I’ve spent the last 14 months working through junk I needed to while I was pregnant the first time. It’s exhausting but necessary. It’s amazing how my children have reprioritized my life. And even more amazing how much more confidence I have in bouncing back from a fall, whenever it happens. Because it will. Yes, good mental health is good for me but it’s even better for my husband and babies.

So, while I have no idea what the future brings for us, I’ll be okay. I’m as ready as I’m going to be so bring it on.

 

Kicking the fear inside one day at a time,

Rachel

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